For some, regret is part of parenting. They want prospective parents to hear their stories

February 25, 2025 Canuck

The Current24:13Why some parents are admitting regrets about having kids

Growing up, Tanya Ryan was on the fence about having kids. She felt like she could be happy either way, whether she prioritized a family or her freedom.

But the mom of two from Calgary says the choice became clear when she met her husband. He had always wanted to be a father and kids were a non-negotiable for him.

“I was like, well, you want kids and I want you. So I guess that takes my 50 per cent and topples it over the fence,” Ryan told The Current‘s Matt Galloway.

It’s a decision she was OK with at the time. Plus, any doubts Ryan had about parenting were swept under the rug by friends and family, who assured her she’d be an amazing mom.

“The first time you see that baby … all those natural instincts, they just click in,” Ryan remembers hearing from loved ones at the time.

But as early as during her pregnancy, Ryan says she wondered if she’d made the right choice. She says parenting has come with a lot of emotions: intense feelings of love, anxiety, compassion — and also regret.

And Ryan isn’t alone. She’s one of a growing number of parents sharing their complex feelings about parenting in an effort to have a more honest conversation about what the job really entails in a society that presses people to have kids.

What parental regret feels like

Kelley Daring heard all of the same cliches Ryan did about how parenting is the most rewarding job out there. But since she was in her early teens, Daring says she’s seen more stress and tiredness on parents’ faces than she has fulfilment or joy.

As a result, Daring — who has three stepdaughters — chose not to have kids of her own. She shares stories on TikTok that parents write to her anonymously about their feelings of regret.

A blonde woman with a green bag wearing a blazer smiles and looks into the distance. She's outside on a sunny day. — Kelley Daring is a TikToker and hosts the podcast Call Her Daring. On her platforms, she discusses women’s experiences in various aspects of life, including often-overlooked parts of parenting including regret. (Submitted by Kelley Daring)

Daring says most of the parents who write to her — especially moms — describe feeling like they’ve lost their own identity and bodily autonomy. Any opportunities to advance in their careers, travel or even simply take part in the hobbies they once enjoyed seem to disappear completely after having kids, the parents report.

“They didn’t realize how much motherhood would take from them, how they would no longer be just a woman or just themselves,” Daring said, who lives in Sacramento, California. “They are now a mother. And that’s the most important thing that they are.”

Many parents also tell her their regret has nothing to do with how much they love their kids, or the lengths they’ll go to for them. “It’s not the children … it’s the work of mothering that they regret,” Daring said. “That is an important distinction.”

Ryan understands that duality well. She doesn’t lack any love for her kids — in fact, she says she remembers looking at her firstborn in the crib one day and realizing that she’d never be able to make a decision again without first considering him. Just how intensely she cared about her kids — to the point that she felt almost unable to focus on anything except them — came as a shock to her.

“All of my energy and effort went into making sure that this baby was OK, even if I wanted to go do something I used to do,” Ryan said.

What the research shows

While there isn’t a large body of research on this topic, a 2021 study from Poland measured regret by asking parents whether or not they would reverse the decision to have kids if they could. It found that between 10 and 14 per cent of respondents in that country did regret having kids. A 2013 poll by Gallup asking a similar question of American respondents put the figure at seven per cent.

The Polish study also found that those who don’t strongly identify with the role of parent tend to experience more regret due to the shift in identity that parenthood demands. Demographic factors, like having a lower income or being a single parent, also increased stress on parents and the likelihood of parental regret.

We can have complex feelings and all of them can coexist inside of our brains or our hearts. And it doesn’t mean that we’re bad people– Miguel Macias, parent familiar with regret

Jean-Michel Robichaud, a clinical psychologist and professor at the Université de Moncton who specializes in parent-child relationships, says regret comes up fairly frequently in his practice.

The feelings are often accompanied by shame and guilt, he says, and it’s not uncommon for tears to flow when regret first comes up with a patient.

Robichaud says the number of people who experience regret proves to him that Daring is right — people do a pretty bad job of telling one another just how frustrating and complicated parenting can be.

For parents familiar with these feelings, he says talking about it with a trusted confidante can be a big help. A close friend or family member can fill that role in most cases, though therapy could be a good idea for any parents with a history of mental illness, such as depression.

“Giving a good ear is like giving energy, giving hope, giving relief,” Robichaud said. “In turn it alleviates part of the burden and it creates more room for them to be [a] better version of their parenting self.”

a man in a dark tshirt smiles and interacts with a crowd that is not pictured. he stands behind a podium and beside a projector screen, giving a presentation at a conference — Jean-Michel Robichaud is a clinical psychologist and a professor. He says regret should be discussed with a trusted family member, friend or therapist in order to help ease the burden of those feelings. (Submitted by Jean-Michel Robichaud)

Impact on kids

In addition to helping parents and adults who are on the fence, Daring says she hopes her series can prevent kids of regretful parents from feeling unwanted.

Some adult children of regretful parents have also shared their stories with Daring, she says. They often tell her about being “parentified” — a term used to describe when kids are given adult responsibilities and forced to grow up too fast — as well as feeling abandoned or unwanted at home.

Daring says regret is a word people should use carefully as kids could be hurt in the process, either immediately or later when they find these discussions online. But, she says hearing from people who felt unloved growing up has made her all the more certain that it’s critical to discuss parental regret openly. That’s because frank conversations about it could help people either to have more realistic expectations of parenthood going in, or to decide ahead of time the job is just not for them.

Miguel Macias, a journalist in Spain, has written about his own unexpected feelings of parental regret for the New York Times. He says regret is a “dangerous” feeling — but adds it’s better to come to terms with it than deny its existence.

“We can have complex feelings and all of them can coexist inside of our brains or our hearts. And it doesn’t mean that we’re bad people,” Macias told Galloway.

The Current18:28Why more Canadians are deciding not to have children

Like Ryan, Macias says he adores his two-year-old daughter and is completely dedicated to being a dad. But it’s those times when she won’t sit still for him to change her, causing tension between him and his partner and making him late for work, that the negative feelings can be overwhelming.

If Macias’s daughter ever finds his opinion article when she grows up, he says he’s confident she will not feel unwanted. He knows he showers her with the love and affection she deserves daily.

“I feel confident that by the time she reads these, she will have been loved by me so much … and I would have taught her about the complexity of feelings,” Macias said. “I hope that she will understand that … this is not as simple as, you know, regretting or not regretting.”

In Calgary, Tanya Ryan says she really hopes that having this conversation never comes back to hurt her kids. “That would break my heart.”

But she also thinks it’s important to help complete the narrative around having kids for people like her who only ever heard one overwhelmingly positive story about motherhood. Given her experience, she wants prospective parents to know that being 50 per cent on board with parenting “is not enough.”

“Not even 80 per cent is enough. You have to be 100 per cent sure that that is what you want to do,” Ryan said. “And it’s not necessarily going to be that you just look in your baby’s eyes and everything shifts and the world changes around you, because that’s not everybody’s experience.”

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