This column is a (comedic) opinion by HUNKS sketch comedy group in Winnipeg.
Congratulations on satisfying all legal requirements for graduation as prescribed by your provincial or territorial authorities.
You are the leaders of tomorrow, and we can’t wait to see what kind of dances you make up along the way.
But before we hand you the nuclear codes, here’s some advice to help guide you on this journey called life.
Be yourself. Identity theft is a crime in Canada, punishable by up to 10 years in federal prison, so you’ll have to continue to be yourself. It sucks, I know, especially if you’re a geek who’s looking to break out of your old reputation.
Believe nothing you hear and half of what you read. Good advice to instill some healthy skepticism, though it’s not entirely clear how you should approach audiobooks.
Remember people’s names. It may seem small, but you never know who you’ll have to rat out to get to the top. If you find yourself in a situation where you truly can’t remember someone’s name, just give them a generic nickname like “Doink” or “Gravel Face.”
Avoid credit card debt. Credit card companies are notorious for having predatory interest rates that will throw you into an abyss of debt you’ll never be able to climb out of. Best do like me, and just send money orders to Pornhub.
Aim for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars. If you don’t plan on becoming an astronaut, you can just ignore this advice.
Treat others the way you would want to be treated. This one has always been a little counterintuitive to me because I get turned on by car accidents, but it’s a cliché for a reason, I guess.
Don’t buy a house near a hospital. It may seem advantageous to be close to a hospital, especially if you have a knife-based hobby like me, but my 14-years-younger-than-me landlord told me it’s bad for the property value (whatever that is).
Don’t get attached to things. Pretty obvious when you think about it. Still, there’s nothing worse than getting attached to something, and then finding out it’s about to launch.
Treat the janitor the same way you treat the CEO. Look for the glint of dignity in the janitor’s eye when he, too, gets arrested in the white-collar crime dragnet you sparked with an anonymous tip. He’ll just be happy that you remembered his name (see above).
There is no such thing as a self-made person. I can’t believe that I have to tell you this, but when a mommy and a daddy love each other very much, they have a baby and that’s where people come from.
Graduates, you stand at the beginning of an incredible journey.
Never before has a generation faced such unknown challenges. Global pandemics, climate change, political strife. You will all be called on to solve the world’s problems (unless you took applied math).
With disquieted awe and no amount of jealousy, I wish you good luck. I am very interested to see how these crises will be solved with TikToks and memes.
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